Interviewer: Momoe Nomura
Nomura： When I was in grade school I was deeply hurt and had a painful experience while interacting with other people. I was given a hurtful nickname, others made fun of my home situation, and things were thrown at me during class. I didn`t have the means to protect myself, so naturally I withdrew from people altogether. As a result, I have a hard time finding the words to communicate my feelings and relationships with people became even scarier. This continued for quite a while.
Now, as an adult I still don`t feel comfortable getting too close to people, but having no interaction is also very lonely. Trying to find or create this in-between zone has been a challenge that is still with me.
Mende： I see. Relationships and creating boundaries, this might be an important theme throughout the course of life. When I sit down and open up with another person, I usually prefer sitting at an angle instead of face to face. Continual eye contact gets uncomfortable if you don’t have somewhere else to focus on from time to time. Sitting at an angle I feel a little more at ease. Having somewhere else to focus on also creates a natural rhythm in the conversation.
Nomura：Yes, I like to sit at an angle too. I don’t like sitting face to face because the other person will just be staring at my face, and I am insecure about my looks. This complex feels especially stressful when meeting someone in person so I feel more comfortable sitting at an angle.
Right now I am on a diet and playing around with makeup techniques so I can feel a little more confident about myself. Face to face meetings are not quite as scary. I feel like the distance I have created between myself and others is decreasing and I am beginning to open up. But it still takes time for a really close relationship to develop. I think this might be because I am an only child.
Do you have any siblings?
Mende： Yes, I am one of three brothers. The middle child. I was always caught in between, so naturally I took on a role to keep things balanced and in harmony. I was the mediator between my older and younger brother, reducing friction and such. My mom always said I wasn’t much trouble when I was a child.
Nomura：I am an only child so I have no experience fighting with brothers and sisters. As a result I had fewer opportunities to interact with other people. One naturally absorbs how to deal with people through the process of brothers and sisters fighting and then making up.
Mende： Yes, maybe so. Brothers and sisters are around you everyday so you learn how to find the right distance to deal with people. After fighting you go your separate ways to cool off, but are close again to play together. This repetition happens daily, so techniques to adjust boundaries are learned at home. An only child doesn’t have to compete for their parents attention, but there are disadvantages.
Nomura：Yes, I didn’t have those experiences, so it takes me more time to figure out personal space and boundaries. If I get too close it wears me out, but too much space creates isolation. It seems like I am continually searching for the perfect balance in between.
Mende：This might be a life-long theme for you. But because you are conscious of the distance between you and others, you will take the time to figure out how to create just the right amount of space and emotional support.
Nomura：Maybe so. Because of my bad experience, I might be more sensitive to how to create the boundaries needed. I am thinking this might not be all bad, but hints for getting emotionally close to someone.
Mende： Relationship boundaries and personal space are huge issues for all of us and it changes over the years and with experience. Searching for just the right balance is maybe just part of living. The solution is to interact with all sorts of people. As a designer, in this profession we work with many, many different people. So it might be helpful for you to work through some of these issues. Experiment, challenge yourself, and continue to improve yourself.
Nomura： Because of my early childhood experiences, I now am able to really think about and contemplate social boundaries. I hope to enjoy more life-long interaction with people.
